12 Vague Movie Titles that Should Require Explanations

You know those lazy days when you don't want to do anything and you're so bored you can't even satisfy yourself with some mindless TV? I had one of those a few days ago and decided to pick a movie based solely off its title. In a golly gosh moment only paralleled by going on a road trip without a GPS, I searched for a movie On Demand without looking at actors, genres, or descriptions. My search led me to a movie called Grimm Love. Based on the title, I expected to find a Brothers Grimm type love story. Instead, I found a detailed movie about willing cannibalism. 

Well, I don't think I'll ever use that method of picking a movie again. 

After 88 minutes of watching one of the most disturbing movies ever made, I started to think about other movie titles. Some are really appropriate and give you an idea of what you're about to watch. Others completely throw you off guard and screw with your head. I've watched a lot of movies in both categories, but I never know how helpful a title will be until the movie starts. 

So I've decided that movies should all come with subtitles. Not the kind that you can switch into espanol by pushing a button; the kind that follow the title of a film. I'm not really in a position to update movie titles unless I scribble on my DVD covers. But since this is my blog and I can pretty much do what I want, I'm going to share some of the newly subtitled movies in my memory bank.

12 Newly (And More Appropriately) Titled Movies

12. Grimm Love: People Eating People While Keri Russell Watches for No Apparent Reason

11. Gigli: Because Pronunciation Matters More than Plot

10. Practical Magic: Just Not that Practical If You Didn't Kill Someone

9.  Pumpkin: How to Break Special Olympics Laws by Sleeping with the Guy You Mentor

8.  18: How to Make a Profit off Shooting People While HBO TV Show Stars Watch

7.  Punch Drunk Love: Making You Feel Less Sober by the Minute

6.  Sex and the City 2: Hollywood's Way of Making You Forget How Great the Show Was

5.  Fight Club: The Movie You Can't Talk About

4.  Party Monster: A Prime Example of Why Macaulay Culkin Should Never Be Left Home Alone

3.  It: NOT a Movie about Tag

2.  Octopussy: Disappointing Horny Kids for Generations

1.  Saw: The Gory Macgyver

Maybe I'm biased, but I think audiences would have a much better idea of what to expect if those movies had subtitles. And just think, I didn't even touch upon the more obviously ambiguous or weird movie titles like Freddie Got Fingered, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or XXX. Some movies just need descriptions within the titles or you could wind up with a situation like I had with Grimm Love.

So now I turn to you, my friends. What movies would you subtitle and what would you choose as a final movie title? Let me know in the comments section because I'm more curious than George on this one!

The Hardest Part of Dealing with Chronic Illness

Tomorrow two of my nieces are graduating -- one from elementary school and one from junior high school -- and I won't be able to attend either graduation. I'll tell my nieces how much I love them and how proud I am of them, but that I'm just too sick to be there on their special day. Hopefully they'll understand and know that I'm telling the truth. But if they haven't wondered this already, chances are that they'll begin to wonder how often one person can be so sick. Too sick for a holiday, too sick for a Sunday dinner, too sick for a party, too sick for a graduation ... How many times can one person claim to be sick before it seems like a lie?  


Coming from someone who's chronically ill, I'm pretty sure that people think I lie a lot. I can't count how many times I've had to cancel my plans because I was just too sick to keep them. How can you plan for something next month when you live life hour by hour? 


That's the real kicker about being chronically ill. It's not just the pain or the illness. It's your fear that other people will hate you for what you cannot help; that people who you care about will resent you for not being stronger or more reliable or more normal. Those are all the things you wish you could be -- all the things you've always wanted to be -- but you'll probably never be any of those things. You can go to all your doctors' appointments, take all your meds, try every new treatment that comes out, and research medicine harder than any med student, but it won't get you anywhere. 


You'll always be chronically ill. 


You'll always be different.


You'll never be normal. 


That concept is hard for most healthy people to grasp and even harder for most chronically ill people to accept. But hard as it may be to handle, it's the truth. Chronically ill people do not have the simple luxuries that most people have. Keeping plans, running errands, making it to a graduation, gossiping over coffee, or even catching one of your favorite shows in its actual time slot can be all but impossible. When you're so sick you can scarcely get out of your bed, even the most mundane things in life feel like heavy labor.


Most people don't understand the difficulty in everyday living, though. They may try to be helpful by cheering on the chronically ill person, but all the advice becomes something like elevator music. You can faintly hear something you've already heard before, but it's just background noise. It's all just things you've already heard before.


"Maybe some fresh air will help."


"Buck up and do what you need to do."


"You would feel better if you got out more."


"Why don't you just come out for a little while?"


Those things all sound good in theory but never work in practice. After a while you hear the same things so many times that you learn to tune them out. Not so much because you want to but because you have to. You would kill to have any of those bits of advice work but you've already tried again and again and again. Unfortunately, your illness isn't something you can get through or ignore. It's there with you all the time and the only way you can get better is to do exactly what you've been doing: stay away from the fresh air, ignore what you need to do, and avoid going out for any length of time. You have to let your body recover and remember that there will be just as much fresh air, housework, and socializing opportunities when you feel better.


The only problem is that you're always scared that there will be fewer people to share those things with you when you finally feel well enough to get out there. As much as it hurts -- literally and figuratively -- you have to wait things out and hope that your social circle will understand. After all, it won't do anybody any good if you go out with them while you're at your worst. Nobody can enjoy a celebration while Sick Girl is spreading her miserable aura. 


That's what I keep reminding myself as I mentally prepare for any hostility that may arise from me missing two very important graduations tomorrow. My migraine won't improve if I clap hard enough. My nausea won't go on standby while I wait to see the right people cross the stage. My numbness and tingling won't stop while I try to be steady with my fork. None of my many problems will improve if I force myself to go out. Instead, they'll get worse. I'll get worse. And that will just lead to more events that I won't be able to attend, more people I'll disappoint, and more reasons I'll find to hate myself.


That's how it is 


every


single 


day 


when you suffer from a chronic illness.


So if you know someone who has severe medical problems, do both yourselves a favor and cut him or her some slack. Nobody wants to be sick all the time. Nobody wants to disappoint their loved ones. Nobody wants to hate themselves for things that are out of their control. But those are the side-effects that aren't listed on any pill bottle and they're pretty universal amongst people with chronic illnesses.


When it comes to medical problems, that's just a glimpse into a fragment of one issue. Soon I'll be launching a sister site that goes into a lot more detail about chronic illness, specific medical conditions, and testimonials from a variety of people who are chronically ill. If you want to share any of your stories, please email me to let me know what type of illness you would like to talk about or if you're writing as someone who supports a person who is frequently sick. I'll have the website up by the beginning of July and I appreciate anybody who wants to help. 


In the meantime, I want to offer my sincerest congratulations and apologies to my nieces. If you ever read this, know that I love you very much. Someday I'll do my best to make this up to you. I just hope you can forgive me until that day comes. 

8 TV Replica Props No Home Should Be Without -- Especially MY Home

Have you ever seen something on a TV show and wished you had something just like it? I do that. A lot. And since merchants like HBO and NBC sell so many television replica props, I assume I'm not the only one who wants the things I see on TV.

You can find a lot of cool TV show replicas if you look around, but some things just aren't for sale. Therein lies my problem. I love knowing that I can crack open a bottle of Tru Blood on Sunday nights and few things make me happier than seeing my Slayer scythe propped on its shelf. My memorabilia collection is awesome (she says humbly), but it could be better -- especially if it contained some of these props that don't exist.

8.  Horatio's Sunglasses (CSI: Miami)

With CSI: Miami sadly coming to an end, I want to own the star of the show. No, I'm not talking about David Caruso. He's just a decorative device. I'm talking about Horatio's sunglasses. Those glasses have been there for every great moment of the show. So if they're taking away Horatio, I want to keep his sunglasses.

7.  Nick's Trailer (Grimm)

I don't have any use for an old, rusty trailer, but I would love to have everything inside of it. From the weapons to the books to the potions, I want everything in Nick's trailer. And it would be really awesome if Monroe happened to be in the trailer when I collected it because he's an awesome guy to have around.

6.  Gunn's Axe (Angel)

With all the Angel merchandise on the market, I'm shocked that nobody has replicated Gunn's homemade axe. Sure, I could attempt to turn a hubcap into an axe, but I'd really rather have one that looks like Gunn's and doesn't require me to lose limbs in the creation process. With its unique look and badass abilities, Gunn's weapon would make the perfect wall bling. Get to it, Joss!






5.  Hunga Munga Blade (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Speaking of weapons that should be replicated ... I want a hunga munga blade and I really wish the good people of Buffy would replicate one. For those who are wondering, this is the weapon Buffy used in Season 3, Episode 1 (Anne). They showed the hunga munga blade in the credits for four seasons, so I think it's about time for them to make it a tangible item.

4.  Jax (Sons of Anarchy)

That's right. I don't need shiny motorcycles, big ass rings, or leather coats. I just want a few moments with Jax Teller, or at the very least, some sort of lifelike Jax replica. I'll take a twin, a clone, or Jax himself. I'm flexible like that.








3.  Jar of Talbot (True Blood)

This may seem sort of creepy, but I'd really like to own a jar of Talbot. Russell Edgington may be off his rocker, but he found a way to make a pile of dead vampire look cool. With a jar of Talbot at my disposal, I could walk around looking crazy, try to sell a drop for a ton of money, and really freak kids out when they come Trick or Treating. There's no end to what I could do with a jar of Talbot, so it's time for HBO to get on board. They sell everything else from True Blood, so why not?

2.  Rumplestiltskin's Knife (Once Upon a Time)

As a fan of fairy tales and weapons, I can't think of anything I would love to have more than Rumplestiltskin's knife. It's wavy, it's shiny, it's deadly, and it's engraved with Rumplestiltskin's name. What more could you want from a weapon?

1.  Iron Throne (Game of Thrones)

It doesn't look comfortable and it doesn't look like it would fit in with any kind of decor, but that's all irrelevant. The Iron Throne is awesome and I would gladly redecorate my house to make it work. How cool would it be to have someone over for a business meeting or to give a kid a talking to while sitting in a throne made of swords? That's right. Now you probably want one, too.


So that covers my favorite eight TV show items that aren't for sale -- yet. Hopefully these items will start to come out because my list just keeps growing. What are some of your favorite TV show items and why do you want them?