Headlines You Didn't Get to Read in the Disney Films

Someone has to write this stuff!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about fairy tales and not just because I'm writing a book based on them. Unlike the creepy fairy tales I'm used to thinking about, my brain has been wrapped up in the magical world of Disney. From feature films like Enchanted to animated movies like Brave, Disney has been on my mind. And as per usual, once I think about a subject for too long, my brain takes it to strange places.

I was lying around watching Tangled -- a movie I probably love more than any child does -- and I wondered what it would be like to live in a Disney kind of world. No, I don't mean Disney World, though that would be awesome, too. I mean the imaginative world where Disney films take place.

If I lived in that sort of place, I imagine I would still have to work. After all, there are far too many princesses and I don't think common folk can live for free in any type of world (unless you know how to screw the system, in which case the world will come to you). I lack the finesse of a moocher, so I would definitely have to get a job. But what kind of career would I be qualified for in this magical world? If I was a wedding planner I could probably find plentiful work since pretty much everything in Disney ends with a wedding. If I was good with my hands I may be able to forge castles or build the Lion King type cliffs that are in almost all Disney movies. If I was in sales I could probably get a job as a street vendor since that seems to be a growing occupation in that world. But my only real skill is writing, so I suppose I would have to get a job as a writer. I've never seen anybody write a book in a Disney movie, but I have seen people reading newspapers. Somebody has to write those articles, so it looks like I would have to take up a career in journalism.

Now, I want you to take a moment to really think about this. Seriously try to imagine what it would be like to be a journalist in the world of Disney. Think of the stories you've seen in the movies and imagine those stories needed real news coverage. Can you imagine what the headlines would look like? Since my brain has already gone this far down the Disney path, I think I can imagine exactly what that they would look like -- and they would look pretty ridiculous.

So if you're still with me -- and I hope you are -- let's take a look at some of the top Disney movie headlines, shall we?

Liar Grows Wood, Becomes Real Boy

Teapot Plans Wedding for Captor-Prisoner Duo

Pirate Captain Confirms the Rum Is Gone

Crabs Help Mute Princess Woo Prince

Unconscious Princess Awakes to Engagement

Nanny Pleads Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to Disorderly Conduct Charges

Onlookers Appalled When Thief Loses Temper with His Monkey

Shoe Owner Trades Household Duties for Marriage

Girl Invites Boy to Bedroom Window, Finds Magic

Swords Banned in Favor of Frying Pans

Circle of Life Kills Again

Boy's Toys Have Minds of Their Own

Attendants of Davy Jones' Locker Auction Still Missing

Magic Mushrooms Bring Girl to New World

Prince's Kiss Brings Corpse Back to Life

Okay, so I may have guessed the future of some of those Disney movies, but I assume some things happen during the happily ever after period. Elaborated or not, I imagine those are the kinds of things you would read in a Disney newspaper. And even though those Disney headlines are pretty ridiculous, I can't help but think that being a journalist in that world would be pretty damn entertaining.

So I have my Disney job picked out. What would you be in a Disney world? And if you were a fellow journalist, what kind of headlines would you add to the mix? I'm in journalist mode now, so I really need to know!

Flu Side-Effects Not Listed on WebMD

Today marks my tenth day bogged down by the flu, a bug, or whatever has caused my body to go berserk. I don't know what it is, but I know it's not fun -- especially since I've had a two week migraine to go with it. Between my head, my body aches, and my temperamental belly, I haven't been able to do anything in what feels like forever.

However, I have discovered some bug and flu side-effects that you wouldn't find on a typical medical site. Let's go over them together, shall we?


Side Effect # 1:  Sleeping on Dog Hours

I've often wondered how my dog can sleep through the night, run through the yard for ten minutes, and then collapse in a furry pile of sleepiness for the next four hours. After ten days of sleeping on my dog's schedule -- without the ten minute run to tire me out -- I feel like we've bonded a lot more than usual. Now if I can just figure out how to make my dog stop hogging the bed we could really make this sleeping schedule work.

Side Effect # 2:  Preparing for Bikini Season

Since I have little desire to eat and even less ability to keep any food down, I'm withering away over here. The good news is that I don't have to get quite as depressed when I see those bikini season weight loss commercials. Now don't get me wrong. I could go another month without eating and I still wouldn't go near a bikini. I probably wouldn't even feel comfortable with a bathing suit. But the promise of a swim dress and bathing cap could be in my future.

Side Effect # 3:  Getting Addicted to New TV Shows

After memorizing practically every episode of anything that appears on Nick at Nite, I decided it was time to watch something I had never seen before. Three seasons of The Vampire Diaries later, I'm officially hooked. The good news is that I have something to look forward to after True Blood ends. The bad news is that I don't know how I'll be able to handle a cliffhanger every week when I've gotten so used to just playing the next episode.

Side Effect # 4:  Knowing the Show Will Go On

I was pretty sure that nothing would keep me from seeing Magic Mike on its debut weekend, but it looks like I was wrong. If I had any Hollywood pull, I would have used it all up for a chance to postpone the premiere weekend. But, alas, the show went on and pretty much every woman who isn't me got to see male strippers on the big screen. Here's hoping movie ratings will stay magical so I can see some of my favorite actors stripping in humungatron vision.

Side Effect # 5:  Missing Life Events

Along with having to postpone my plans to see Magic Mike, I also missed out on a weird Ninja Warrior type Gloucester tradition (the greasy pole), a pub crawl my cousin spent months planning, and the Fourth of July. Well technically I didn't really miss the Fourth of July because my migraine amplified the sound of every firework in a ten mile radius, but I could have done without feeling like I was trapped in a bunker in the midst of war.

Side Effect # 6:  Missing Afterlife Events 

My aunt passed away in the midst of my sickness and I could not make it to her funeral. I'll carry that guilt forever, but I truly couldn't leave the house. If Heaven has the Internet, I hope you know how sorry I am, Thea Madeline. You'll be in my heart forever.

Side Effect # 7:  Living in My Head

During the many hours I've been stuck behind an eye mask and ear plugs, I've spent a lot of quality time with myself. I now know that I can sing the Green Acres theme song in an eternal loop, write the majority of a book within my head, and remember all the silly stories that escaped my mind right before I was about to tell someone about them. Damned if I can remember any of those things now that I could potentially tell people about them, but they did cross my mind at one moment or another.


That just about covers the unspoken flu side-effects I've discovered over the past couple of weeks. All except the most obvious one, anyway.

It goes without saying that I've shirked on all my responsibilities while I've been sick. My inbox is overflowing, my blog comments remain unanswered, and everything I wanted to have done by now is still waiting to be acknowledged.

My Waiting Sucks winners' packages are still sitting here because I made my hubby turn around from the post office after I thought of one more thing I wanted to add to each package, but then got too sick to finish. Similarly, I haven't been able to get together with the contest winners to prepare their featured posts that I'm supposed to put up every Sunday.

Today is my first day sitting on my computer for longer than it takes to play a round of Bubble Safari. Here's hoping I'll be able to spend more time on here each day until I'm back on track.

Until then, thank you all for your patience and please stay tuned for some awesome posts. Along with my normal random thoughts, I will be resuming the featured Waiting Sucks Contest posts soon. I'll also be announcing a truly fabulous True Blood opportunity that any Trubie would want to sink their teeth into.

Stay tuned because things are about to get really interesting here on Pixie Sticks and Stones -- after I take my next dog nap, anyway.

12 Vague Movie Titles that Should Require Explanations

You know those lazy days when you don't want to do anything and you're so bored you can't even satisfy yourself with some mindless TV? I had one of those a few days ago and decided to pick a movie based solely off its title. In a golly gosh moment only paralleled by going on a road trip without a GPS, I searched for a movie On Demand without looking at actors, genres, or descriptions. My search led me to a movie called Grimm Love. Based on the title, I expected to find a Brothers Grimm type love story. Instead, I found a detailed movie about willing cannibalism. 

Well, I don't think I'll ever use that method of picking a movie again. 

After 88 minutes of watching one of the most disturbing movies ever made, I started to think about other movie titles. Some are really appropriate and give you an idea of what you're about to watch. Others completely throw you off guard and screw with your head. I've watched a lot of movies in both categories, but I never know how helpful a title will be until the movie starts. 

So I've decided that movies should all come with subtitles. Not the kind that you can switch into espanol by pushing a button; the kind that follow the title of a film. I'm not really in a position to update movie titles unless I scribble on my DVD covers. But since this is my blog and I can pretty much do what I want, I'm going to share some of the newly subtitled movies in my memory bank.

12 Newly (And More Appropriately) Titled Movies

12. Grimm Love: People Eating People While Keri Russell Watches for No Apparent Reason

11. Gigli: Because Pronunciation Matters More than Plot

10. Practical Magic: Just Not that Practical If You Didn't Kill Someone

9.  Pumpkin: How to Break Special Olympics Laws by Sleeping with the Guy You Mentor

8.  18: How to Make a Profit off Shooting People While HBO TV Show Stars Watch

7.  Punch Drunk Love: Making You Feel Less Sober by the Minute

6.  Sex and the City 2: Hollywood's Way of Making You Forget How Great the Show Was

5.  Fight Club: The Movie You Can't Talk About

4.  Party Monster: A Prime Example of Why Macaulay Culkin Should Never Be Left Home Alone

3.  It: NOT a Movie about Tag

2.  Octopussy: Disappointing Horny Kids for Generations

1.  Saw: The Gory Macgyver

Maybe I'm biased, but I think audiences would have a much better idea of what to expect if those movies had subtitles. And just think, I didn't even touch upon the more obviously ambiguous or weird movie titles like Freddie Got Fingered, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or XXX. Some movies just need descriptions within the titles or you could wind up with a situation like I had with Grimm Love.

So now I turn to you, my friends. What movies would you subtitle and what would you choose as a final movie title? Let me know in the comments section because I'm more curious than George on this one!

The Hardest Part of Dealing with Chronic Illness

Tomorrow two of my nieces are graduating -- one from elementary school and one from junior high school -- and I won't be able to attend either graduation. I'll tell my nieces how much I love them and how proud I am of them, but that I'm just too sick to be there on their special day. Hopefully they'll understand and know that I'm telling the truth. But if they haven't wondered this already, chances are that they'll begin to wonder how often one person can be so sick. Too sick for a holiday, too sick for a Sunday dinner, too sick for a party, too sick for a graduation ... How many times can one person claim to be sick before it seems like a lie?  


Coming from someone who's chronically ill, I'm pretty sure that people think I lie a lot. I can't count how many times I've had to cancel my plans because I was just too sick to keep them. How can you plan for something next month when you live life hour by hour? 


That's the real kicker about being chronically ill. It's not just the pain or the illness. It's your fear that other people will hate you for what you cannot help; that people who you care about will resent you for not being stronger or more reliable or more normal. Those are all the things you wish you could be -- all the things you've always wanted to be -- but you'll probably never be any of those things. You can go to all your doctors' appointments, take all your meds, try every new treatment that comes out, and research medicine harder than any med student, but it won't get you anywhere. 


You'll always be chronically ill. 


You'll always be different.


You'll never be normal. 


That concept is hard for most healthy people to grasp and even harder for most chronically ill people to accept. But hard as it may be to handle, it's the truth. Chronically ill people do not have the simple luxuries that most people have. Keeping plans, running errands, making it to a graduation, gossiping over coffee, or even catching one of your favorite shows in its actual time slot can be all but impossible. When you're so sick you can scarcely get out of your bed, even the most mundane things in life feel like heavy labor.


Most people don't understand the difficulty in everyday living, though. They may try to be helpful by cheering on the chronically ill person, but all the advice becomes something like elevator music. You can faintly hear something you've already heard before, but it's just background noise. It's all just things you've already heard before.


"Maybe some fresh air will help."


"Buck up and do what you need to do."


"You would feel better if you got out more."


"Why don't you just come out for a little while?"


Those things all sound good in theory but never work in practice. After a while you hear the same things so many times that you learn to tune them out. Not so much because you want to but because you have to. You would kill to have any of those bits of advice work but you've already tried again and again and again. Unfortunately, your illness isn't something you can get through or ignore. It's there with you all the time and the only way you can get better is to do exactly what you've been doing: stay away from the fresh air, ignore what you need to do, and avoid going out for any length of time. You have to let your body recover and remember that there will be just as much fresh air, housework, and socializing opportunities when you feel better.


The only problem is that you're always scared that there will be fewer people to share those things with you when you finally feel well enough to get out there. As much as it hurts -- literally and figuratively -- you have to wait things out and hope that your social circle will understand. After all, it won't do anybody any good if you go out with them while you're at your worst. Nobody can enjoy a celebration while Sick Girl is spreading her miserable aura. 


That's what I keep reminding myself as I mentally prepare for any hostility that may arise from me missing two very important graduations tomorrow. My migraine won't improve if I clap hard enough. My nausea won't go on standby while I wait to see the right people cross the stage. My numbness and tingling won't stop while I try to be steady with my fork. None of my many problems will improve if I force myself to go out. Instead, they'll get worse. I'll get worse. And that will just lead to more events that I won't be able to attend, more people I'll disappoint, and more reasons I'll find to hate myself.


That's how it is 


every


single 


day 


when you suffer from a chronic illness.


So if you know someone who has severe medical problems, do both yourselves a favor and cut him or her some slack. Nobody wants to be sick all the time. Nobody wants to disappoint their loved ones. Nobody wants to hate themselves for things that are out of their control. But those are the side-effects that aren't listed on any pill bottle and they're pretty universal amongst people with chronic illnesses.


When it comes to medical problems, that's just a glimpse into a fragment of one issue. Soon I'll be launching a sister site that goes into a lot more detail about chronic illness, specific medical conditions, and testimonials from a variety of people who are chronically ill. If you want to share any of your stories, please email me to let me know what type of illness you would like to talk about or if you're writing as someone who supports a person who is frequently sick. I'll have the website up by the beginning of July and I appreciate anybody who wants to help. 


In the meantime, I want to offer my sincerest congratulations and apologies to my nieces. If you ever read this, know that I love you very much. Someday I'll do my best to make this up to you. I just hope you can forgive me until that day comes. 

8 TV Replica Props No Home Should Be Without -- Especially MY Home

Have you ever seen something on a TV show and wished you had something just like it? I do that. A lot. And since merchants like HBO and NBC sell so many television replica props, I assume I'm not the only one who wants the things I see on TV.

You can find a lot of cool TV show replicas if you look around, but some things just aren't for sale. Therein lies my problem. I love knowing that I can crack open a bottle of Tru Blood on Sunday nights and few things make me happier than seeing my Slayer scythe propped on its shelf. My memorabilia collection is awesome (she says humbly), but it could be better -- especially if it contained some of these props that don't exist.

8.  Horatio's Sunglasses (CSI: Miami)

With CSI: Miami sadly coming to an end, I want to own the star of the show. No, I'm not talking about David Caruso. He's just a decorative device. I'm talking about Horatio's sunglasses. Those glasses have been there for every great moment of the show. So if they're taking away Horatio, I want to keep his sunglasses.

7.  Nick's Trailer (Grimm)

I don't have any use for an old, rusty trailer, but I would love to have everything inside of it. From the weapons to the books to the potions, I want everything in Nick's trailer. And it would be really awesome if Monroe happened to be in the trailer when I collected it because he's an awesome guy to have around.

6.  Gunn's Axe (Angel)

With all the Angel merchandise on the market, I'm shocked that nobody has replicated Gunn's homemade axe. Sure, I could attempt to turn a hubcap into an axe, but I'd really rather have one that looks like Gunn's and doesn't require me to lose limbs in the creation process. With its unique look and badass abilities, Gunn's weapon would make the perfect wall bling. Get to it, Joss!






5.  Hunga Munga Blade (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Speaking of weapons that should be replicated ... I want a hunga munga blade and I really wish the good people of Buffy would replicate one. For those who are wondering, this is the weapon Buffy used in Season 3, Episode 1 (Anne). They showed the hunga munga blade in the credits for four seasons, so I think it's about time for them to make it a tangible item.

4.  Jax (Sons of Anarchy)

That's right. I don't need shiny motorcycles, big ass rings, or leather coats. I just want a few moments with Jax Teller, or at the very least, some sort of lifelike Jax replica. I'll take a twin, a clone, or Jax himself. I'm flexible like that.








3.  Jar of Talbot (True Blood)

This may seem sort of creepy, but I'd really like to own a jar of Talbot. Russell Edgington may be off his rocker, but he found a way to make a pile of dead vampire look cool. With a jar of Talbot at my disposal, I could walk around looking crazy, try to sell a drop for a ton of money, and really freak kids out when they come Trick or Treating. There's no end to what I could do with a jar of Talbot, so it's time for HBO to get on board. They sell everything else from True Blood, so why not?

2.  Rumplestiltskin's Knife (Once Upon a Time)

As a fan of fairy tales and weapons, I can't think of anything I would love to have more than Rumplestiltskin's knife. It's wavy, it's shiny, it's deadly, and it's engraved with Rumplestiltskin's name. What more could you want from a weapon?

1.  Iron Throne (Game of Thrones)

It doesn't look comfortable and it doesn't look like it would fit in with any kind of decor, but that's all irrelevant. The Iron Throne is awesome and I would gladly redecorate my house to make it work. How cool would it be to have someone over for a business meeting or to give a kid a talking to while sitting in a throne made of swords? That's right. Now you probably want one, too.


So that covers my favorite eight TV show items that aren't for sale -- yet. Hopefully these items will start to come out because my list just keeps growing. What are some of your favorite TV show items and why do you want them?

Reality Killed the Video Star

I want my ... I want my ... I want my MTV.

In 1981, the music industry changed forever when MTV aired The Buggles’ one-hit wonder “Video Killed the Radio Star.” TV viewers and music aficionados were delighted by two entertainment mediums merging together so effortlessly. Or at least I think they were. I wasn’t around yet to witness this monumental cross-breeding, but I did grow up with the residual aftermath.

Just like any child from the 80s, I wanted my MTV. I wished I had a dog like the one from The Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing” video. I thought Michael Jackson was evil because he was such a convincing actor in “Thriller.” I memorized my phone number to the tune of Tommy Tutone’s “Jenny” since I couldn’t actually have 867-5309. If it was up to me, I would have worn my sunglasses at night on a trip to the Love Shack while wearing a Devo hat. But Papa did preach so I had to draw the line somewhere.

The point is that I loved MTV and everything it represented. I couldn’t think of anything better than the fusion between music and television. I was thrilled that video, indeed, killed the radio star because the video had a much better story behind it. I never thought there would be anything strong enough to ever kill the video. As time has proven, nothing has been strong enough. But still, reality killed the video star and butchered a chunk of music history with it.

When MTV first started the trend of replacing music videos with reality shows, I didn’t see the harm in it. I enjoyed watching Singled Out, learned a ton from Loveline, and was amused by Say What? Karaoke. I loved Beavis and Butt-head and I was thrilled when they released Daria as a spin-off. I didn’t mind The Real World and Road Rules because those were the only reality shows on television. I was even okay with the Tom Green Show – for a week or two, anyway. With VH1 getting cooler and MTV shows staying unique, I didn’t see the harm in cutting back on some of MTV’s music video time.

But then something happened. MTV came out with so many original shows that everything became unoriginal. Was there really any difference between Jackass and Viva La Bam? Wasn’t America’s Best Dance Crew close enough to So You Think You Can Dance? Did I really care about what a bedroom looked like in Room Raiders or how a car was transformed in Pimp My Ride? The answer to all those questions is a resounding “NO.” I also didn’t care about Nick and Jessica’s lives as Newlyweds, what went on at Laguna Beach, or who got A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. I just wanted my MTV to go back to the way it used to be.

Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened yet and I doubt it will happen any time soon. Music videos can’t make a comeback while people are still addicted to what happens on Jersey Shore, what the next party will look like on My Super Sweet 16, and what kind of hairy mess will happen on the next Teen Wolf. As long as MTV keeps coming up with ‘new’ concepts, reality fans will keep flocking to the next big thing – even if that thing is totally lame.

Until then, I’ll be catching my old video favorites on YouTube and keeping up with my new faves on iTunes. Reality may have killed the video star, but it will never hurt my love for music as it was meant to be seen and heard. In fact, nothing can kill that love – except, of course, for Justin Bieber who even puts the new MTV to shame.

Sleeping with the Enemy: The War against Mosquitos

Last night I slept with an intruder in my room. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was definitely here. She watched me, stalked me, and attacked me while I slept. Then she crept out of my room before I even had a chance to defend myself. But like any other criminal working off natural instincts, she did leave behind some evidence. And now as I try not to scratch my plethora of mosquito bites, I’m declaring war on her and all her kind.  

You may be wondering how I know my enemy is a woman. Couldn’t a male mosquito be the culprit behind my itchiness? No. Unlike human men, male mosquitos are harmless. They don’t even buzz when they fly. Females are the ones you have to watch out for. They buzz, they bite, they feed. Worse yet, female mosquitos do not attack out of hunger. They attack to preserve their species. Talk about a deadly war adversary.

You see, female mosquitos seek out blood when they’re pregnant so they can nourish their offspring. Basically, your blood is like a bottle of prenatal vitamins. Through a complicated process, a mosquito gathers all she needs for her eggs by filtering your blood down to its most concentrated form. She doesn’t want the water that dilutes your blood. She just wants the real thing. In the spirit of making a complicated process sound simple, she pees out whatever she doesn’t need so she can keep drinking what she does need. That’s right. Not only do mosquitos piss you off. They also leave you pissed on.  

Something about that makes me feel doubly violated. As if it’s not enough that I’m stuck with these itchy bumps, I’m also covered in mosquito pee. To be fair, it’s not a lot of pee and the little bit that exists came from me in the first place. But I don’t want to be fair. I want to stop feeling itchy and to stop thinking about urine. It’s a little late for that now, though. The damage has already been done and that mosquito is probably off giving birth to a colony of new blood suckers. They’ll grow up, get pregnant, nourish their eggs, and pee on even more people. It will continue on in a gross circle that will continue to irritate every unwilling blood donor for the rest of time.

I’ve already declared war on mosquitos, but I can’t commit insecticide alone. We probably can’t do it as a group, either. But we can at least avenge ourselves against a few of these winged vampires and eliminate some of their future generations.

So in the name of everybody who’s ever been bothered by a mosquito bite, I implore you to join my crusade. Invest in a fly swatter. Buy some bug spray. Keep your yard water-free. And when you hear a mosquito buzzing around your head, jump to action. Kill that mosquito. Kill it a lot. Let no mosquito go unpunished. Your blood is not a public water fountain. It’s your blood. Keep it safe, keep it on the inside, and keep up the good fight against unnerving itchiness.

Farmville: The Online Gateway Drug

It all starts innocently enough. You sign up for Farmville and wonder what the fuss is about as you stare at your six little plots of gardening space. You plant some strawberries or pumpkins and wait for them to harvest. Then you collect your bounty and start planting all over again. It’s a cute little cycle and you enjoy visiting your farm every few hours to check your crops, collect eggs from your chickens, and gather fruit from your trees. Farmville is fun. It’s relaxing. And you may not realize it yet, but it’s about to take over your life.

Somewhere between planting your first crops and harvesting your hundredth watermelon, something changes. You’re dealing with a lot more than six plots of land and you have no room for your animals or trees. You have to expand your farm, and in doing so, you have to set it up all over again. You drag all your items around and try to maximize your space, but now your inbox is filling with gifts, you have to display your mastery signs, and you can’t imagine running a farm that doesn’t have a gigantic windmill (or cemetery or Winter Wonderland). You need more space. You need a bigger farm. And that means you need more coins and farm bucks.

You start visiting your farm more often, making sure you gather all your crops like clockwork. You realize that you’re part mathematician as you calculate which crops you should plant, where you’ll be when they’re ready to harvest, and how many times you’ll need to go through these motions to master any given crop.

You’re suddenly very punctual and Farmville may be the only place where you’re not late. If, by some unforeseen horror, you’re not available to harvest your crops when they’re ready, you have to devise a Plan B. Maybe you sneak off to harvest and replant while your boss isn’t looking or maybe you call a trusted friend to tend your farm for you. Whatever you do, you know you can’t be late because that will throw off your whole schedule, which could possibly throw off your whole day, week, or month.

Now your schedule is so full that you don’t even have time to do your standard farming chores. You rely on farm hands and arborists to collect from your animals and trees. Once you see how much more manageable your farm is when you have help, you search for more assistance. You can’t do this by yourself anymore – not if you want your farm to grow – so you turn to your Farmville friends. You start visiting other farms to fertilize crops in hopes that your friends will return the favor. After all, why would you want a field of regular eggplants when you could have jumbo, glimmering eggplants? That’s right. You wouldn’t. So you spend your time wandering between your farm, your friends’ farms, and the new farms that you’re suddenly allowed to have. You’re one hell of a farmer now and you only have to give Facebook about a third of your life to keep your status.

Before you know it, your farm is the coolest, hippest place in the history of agriculture. Your farm is huge. It’s organized. It’s beautiful. You’re not struggling to level up just so you can have a pig anymore. You have entire pens full of animals, orchards full of trees, and more crops than you could give away to a starving nation. (You know – if the food was real.) Hell, you may have even helped a starving nation along the way by buying some seeds that benefit real people. It only costs a few Farm bucks for the seeds, and you figure that’s way cheaper than what you’ve probably spent signing up for book clubs, Netflix, acne regimens, and anything else that can get you more Farm Cash.

But if you want to be the very best, you have to have the very best – and sometimes you can’t just buy what you want with Farm bucks. That’s okay, though. It’s easy to earn more rarities for your farm. You just need to level up a few times in some other Facebook games. It’s not like you have to keep playing the new games to keep your Farmville rewards. Just a few levels and you can get back to farming full-time.

So you sign up for some other games and try to level up as quickly as possible. You don’t really want to run a restaurant, but you know it could look a whole lot better than it does in the default setting. Plus, some new decorations would help you level up faster. So you start decorating, customizing avatars, building cities, cutting away at forests, searching for hidden objects, fishing for guppies, and doing whatever you can to level up faster. Somewhere in the back of your mind you know this is all for your farm. But you’re just too great of a player to settle for mediocrity, so you do everything you can to pretty up your other living spaces.

At this point, you may realize you have a bit of a problem. While you try to keep your crops from rotting and your kitchen from burning, you realize that Facebook has gone into full attack mode. The mafia is putting hits on you. Vampires are biting at your heels. Your inbox is on the verge of imploding from gifts and requests. You can feel the sweat dripping down your neck as you try to keep up with all your apps; as you try to keep your work alive. But it’s all too much. Everything is happening too fast. And just as you feel like your brain is about to explode, you realize something. This isn’t a game anymore. It’s not just a job anymore. This is your life.

Your mind flashes back to those awful anti-drug commercials with the eggs and frying pans while you try not to think about the fact that you haven’t sent your farm hands to collect any Farmville eggs yet today. As you tear yourself away from your computer for the first time in months, you try to stay strong. You try to be brave. You try to fight against your clicking finger's withdrawals. Deep down you know that if you can overcome Farmville, you can beat anything. As the last thought of chicken eggs flutters from your mind, you think, “This is my brain. This is my brain on Farmville.”

Any questions?

Celebrating Author Jessica Bell's Newest Book, "Fabric"

I'm not normally that fond of Tuesdays, but today is different. It's special. Today is the day that I have the honor and privilege of celebrating author Jessica Bell's newest book, Fabric.

What makes this book so special to me? Two things.

First, this poetry collection is unlike any other I have ever read. Not only are the words mesmerizing, but they are written with a straightforwardness that is rare to find in poetry. After reading through only a couple of pages, I knew I was hooked. Not just on Fabric, but on poetry itself. I forgot how incredible poetry can be and this book made me want to delve into the fascinating world I had nearly forgotten.

The second reason I am so proud of this book is because I respect the author so greatly. Jessica Bell is more than a phenomenal poet and author, though she is both those things. She is also an extraordinary woman. Unmarred by her literary success, Jessica remains a positive influence to her fellow writers. She is a mentor, a role model, and an example of what every writer should strive to be. Always kind, humble, and inspirational, Jessica Bell is as uniquely remarkable as her poetry.

With that said, I hope you will all join me by celebrating this phenomenal author and her newest book. I will provide you with a detailed review of Fabric soon. In the meantime, I'd like to introduce you to author Jessica Bell in her own words.


Jessica says:

My poetry will not baffle you with phrasing that scholars award for academic genius and that can only be understood by those who wrote it. My poetry is for the everyday reader. In fact, it is even for those who don’t like to read poetry at all. Because it is real, stark and simple.

The poems in Fabric are no different. They explore specific moments in different people’s lives that are significant to whom they have become, the choices they’ve made. It’s about how they perceive the world around them, and how each and every one of their thoughts and actions contributes to the fabric of society. Perhaps you will even learn something new about yourself.

So, even if you do not usually read poetry, I urge you to give this one a go. Not because I want sales (though, they are fun!), but because I want more people to understand that not all poetry is scary and complex. Not all poetry is going to take you back to high school English, and not all poetry is going make you feel “stupid”.

You can still say to people that you don’t read poetry … I really don’t mind. Because if you read Fabric, you’re not reading poetry, you’re reading about people. And that’s what reading is about, yes? Living the lives of others?

Are you still here? I hope so!

Please support the life of poetry today by spreading the news about Fabric. Hey, perhaps you might even like to purchase a copy for yourself? The e-book is only $1.99 and the paperback $5.50.

Here are the links:

Fabric on Amazon US

Fabric on Amazon UK

Fabric on Goodreads

Let's keep poetry alive! Because not all poetry is "dead" boring ...

About Jessica Bell

If Jessica Bell could choose only one creative mentor, she’d give the role to Euterpe, the Greek muse of music and lyrics. And not because she currently lives in Greece, either.

The Australian-native author, poet and singer/songwriter/guitarist has her roots firmly planted in music, and admits inspiration often stems from lyrics she’s written.

She is the Co-Publishing Editor of Vine Leaves Literary Journal, and co-hosts the Homeric Writers' Retreat Workshop on the Greek Isle of Ithaca, with Chuck Sambuchino of Writer’s Digest.

For more information about Jessica Bell and her works, please visit:

Jessica Bell's Website

Fabric Book Trailer

String Bridge (A Novel)

Homeric Writer's Retreat Workshop

Jessica Bell's Blog

Vine Leaves Literary Journal

Jessica Bell's Facebook Page

Jessica Bell's Twitter Page

Once upon a time there was a story ...

Long before the days of television and the Internet, adults passed their time by telling dark, fantastical stories. Women sat at their spinning wheels discussing the princess who fell into a magical slumber until she was awakened by the suckling sensation of the twins she bore after being raped by a prince. Aristocrats spoke of the hard-working girl with the glass slipper who witnessed venegeance personified when the birds that sat at her shoulders pecked out the eyes of her horrible stepsisters. Even without social media platforms, adults around the world knew these stories -- these marchen -- that became known as fairy tales.

Some fairy tale details differed from time to time, from place to place, but the basic premises were kept intact. Whether Snow White's mother wanted her daughter's heart or a bottle of her blood with her toe used as a bottle stopper, the main points were the same. But it was in those minute details that every fairy tale took on its own meaning; its own horrors that resonated within each listener. Through a combination of cultural traditions, personal beliefs, and moral codes of conduct, fairy tales were tailored to gauge different reactions out of different listeners. And even though these stories have now been recorded, dulled down, and made socially acceptable for all audiences, I see no reason why fairy tales should not continue to be tailored for particular groups of adults as they were in the past.

It was under that mindset that I first came up with the world of Grimmora -- a dark, fantastical place where famous stories are nothing more than a set of ancient guidelines. I compared the fairy tales I heard as a child with the tales I read as an adult, letting every story whirl through my mind until it found its proper place. The result is a vast kingdom that transcends dimensions and time. With a selective breeding of folklore, history, mythology, and literature, Grimmora is the product of truth tinged imagination.

Over time I will give you glimpses into the world of Grimmora and invite you into the wildest recesses of my imagination. I will fill your mind with the questions that have plagued me since I began this series and the haunting images I have come to find as the only logical answers. I hope you will enjoy the journey as much as the destination, and remember that what comes between "Once upon a time" and "happily ever after" is what makes the journey so worthwhile.